What Do You Do?

When you meet a total stranger for the first time, what's the first question you ask them in order to get acquainted?  If we conducted a survey of adults, my guess is that the vast majority of you go with,  "What do you do?". 

I absolutely hate this question.  It’s equivalent to asking someone “How do you sell your labor?” which if asked in this way reveals why the question can really only result in a few different outcomes:  

1) The person you ask hates their job (an ever-increasing majority) and starts a half-hour diatribe about everything wrong with their boss, their company, the organizational structure, their low pay, their idiot coworker, etc. 

2) They love their job, but do something incredibly dull, and can't wait to tell you about every minute nuance and detail.  They may even be able to regale you with hilarious stories like the time Fred put the wrong calculation into a spreadsheet cell and boy wasn't he embarrassed when it looked like the derivative trades were negative. 

3) They are indifferent to their job or the topic of it and so give a brief but bland response leading the conversation nowhere. 

4) They do something really interesting and unless you're in a similar position, you're left questioning your own lot. 

Regardless of the outcome of their answer, the question is inevitably turned back to you so that you can put your interlocutor in one of the exact same situations described above. 

I understand why people start introductions this way.  Getting to know a stranger and carrying the conversation around awkward pauses is hard work.  We don't want to offend.  We don't want to provoke.  We just want to get the ball rolling and the question "What do you do?" is a tame, socially-acceptable questions to accomplish this. 

This question seems to be a hold-over from decades past when people had a single job their entire lives and there wasn't as much freedom or necessity to move between jobs.  The expectation that a job would be fulfilling is also a new phenomenon, so there may not previously have been an expectation to hear someone enthusiastic about their work.  As a result, we're stuck in a mode where we associate a person with their career in a way that doesn't seem to be valid any longer. 

I tend to reply in the mode of item three above.  I’d rather define myself by the totality of my life rather than what I do during business hours.  I'm a husband, father, writer, musician, twitterer(erer), etc.  Not only is my job one of the least interesting things about me, it will be one of the least interesting things for you to have to talk about.  I'd much rather get onto discussions of movies, music, books, or science.  Trust me, you'd rather me get there too. 

So what can we do?  Is there a question we can ask that doesn't sound awkward or creepy?  "What are your interests?" sounds too stodgy.  "What are you into?" sounds like an invitation for someone to  describe their proclivities in the bedroom. 

What about the good, old fashioned, "Tell me about yourself."  It's generic, to be sure, and a bit bland.  But, it's open-ended and allows your new friend to define themselves in a way unimpeded by cultural norms or pressure.  Maybe that person will come back with a description of their job, but you can rest assured knowing you didn't force the subject on them.