Who Deserves Respect

I recently watched a video of guitar maker Paul Reed Smith telling the story of how he got Carlos Santana to play his guitars.  This isn’t a story about guitars or Carlos Santana.  Rather, this is a rumination on respect. 

If you listen to the story, Carlos Santana mistreats Paul Reed Smith for  the better part of a year or so, threatening to steal a guitar and generally being a curmudgeon.  Finally with persistence and several custom guitars built, Paul declares at around the 9:15 mark of the video that Carlos “made me earn his respect.” 

I often think about that phrase, "earning respect".  George Carlin makes a similar statement in his famous piece on the ten commandments.  As part of “honor thy father and mother”, Carlin asserts that respect should be earned, even for parents. 

I love George Carlin.  And far be it from me to disagree with him, but he loved picking apart language and I think we might be remiss if we didn’t probe a bit here.   

People tend to use the phrase “earn respect” in a very general sense. As if that is somehow better or more noble than just getting respect for nothing.  Here, I think it’s worth making a distinction.  That is, I think there is some respect that is deserved and some that should be earned. 

We need to be careful and define our terms a bit here.  English is tricky and allows you to use simple words to hand-wave away complex ideas. 

When we talk about someone “deserving respect”, all too often our criteria are skewed.  We tend to define someone as deserving respect if someone has money, power, or fame.  It’s this definition of “deserving respect” that allows Carlos Santana to think it’s okay to steal a guitar from Paul Reed Smith.  He doesn’t know Paul from a hole in the ground and believes the power dynamic justifies a poor attitude. 

Think of any terrible boss who made you “earn his respect” and used that notion as a justification to treat you poorly.  This is the same definition of deserving respect that leads us to make low income people jump through hoops to get welfare or unemployment: prove you’re looking for a job, prove you have no money, stand in line at a government office, fill out your forms, show us your financial records.  Poor people don’t deserve to be treated with dignity… they’re poor. 

This is ultimately the definition I’d like us to use.  Someone “deserves respect” at a minimum because they are human.  That is, they deserve to be treated with dignity and with a minimum of decency.  To not be mistreated or spat upon.  To be considered thoughtfully as a member of society and as a stake-holder in the community both locally and beyond. 

The people who should “earn respect”, as George Carlin points out about parents, are not the subordinates in any relationship, but rather authority.  If you wish to exert any domain over me, then you should earn MY respect.  Earn it by treating me, those around me, and even yourself with dignity and respect first.  Treat everyone with humility and in so doing show your humanity.